Sunday, May 24, 2009

Republicans Couldn't Win at H-O-R-S-E

As I read the news stories and blog postings detailing how the Republican party has gone face-down in the cake, it reminds me of being in elementary school, the beginning of recess, and the agonizing process of choosing teams.

Rush Limbaugh would choose Dick Cheney over Colin Powell. Karl Rove would pick Rush Limbaugh over Colin Powell. Tom Ridge thinks Powell has a powerful drive to the left side of the key.

Forget the fact that Limbaugh is a bloated, Viagra-possessing buffoon and that Cheney has had four times as many heart attacks as Limbaugh has had successful marriages. Colin Powell was the guy who, in an Iraq War I briefing, famously said, "First we are going to cut it off, and then we are going to kill it."

Now that's some competitive spirit. I want Powell on my team.

Exactly how many times do you think the team of Limbaugh, Rove, and Cheney could run a fast break before the game was called due to morbidity? And to flog this dead horse even further, how long can the Republican party stake their claim to revival by imitating a group of third graders on the playground?

It's clear that the game has changed, but it's not a sudden shifting of the winds. For some time, people have grown weary of wedge issues and sanctimony, but the tipping point was the double-barrel blast of an economy that shit the bed and a war filled with lies and torture.

Gays aren't really scary, it turns out. Illegal aliens aren't trying to date Meghan McCain. Trickle-down economics turns out to be exactly what George H.W. Bush said it was, as his son stuck pins in the voodoo doll and we all felt the pain.

It doesn't matter who the Republicans pick for their team right now. They don't know how to play!

I wouldn't normally do this, but I'm going to throw a lifeline to the GOP. Go pick up a copy of The Littlest Leaguers - Learn How To Play Basketball, and familiarize yourselves with some basic concepts. I see there's a section on rebounding.

With lessons in teamwork and good sportsmanship too, learning to play basketball has never been more fun than with The Littlest Leaguers.

If they pay attention and work hard, maybe they'll even get to go out for ice cream after practice. I hear Norm Coleman is flush with coin.

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