Sunday, December 28, 2008

America Sports Wood in War on Terror

The US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has found a novel way to battle Afghan warlords. While wood is involved, surprisingly no one is getting splinters.

I realize that leading clans of ruthless mountain insurgents can be a bit stressful, what with all of those Predator drones shooting laser-guided rockets up your ass and the constant uncertainty that comes from obtaining assistance from Pakistani rebels. Heck, you never know what side the Pakistanis are on anymore.

That said, exactly how is it that giving a handful of tiny blue pills to a tribal leader who has four wives leads to him returning with key intelligence on Taliban activities in exchange for more of the wonder tabs? I mean, if big dicks were instrumental to winning in the Afghani highlands, shouldn't we have been more successful by simply having George W. Bush as our Commander-in-Chief?

Much like the red deer who scamper across the craggy landscape, warlords need some sort of antler-rattling to demonstrate their authority. 

Suppose you're a tribal leader who has been struggling to please the ladies. Who can you turn to in a manly hour of need? What can turn your indigenous three-toed dwarf jerboa into a feisty polecat? It's not me who wants to know - I'm asking for a friend.
There's been a cacophonous outcry lately about how Afghanistan has been largely ignored since the invasion of Iraq, and evidence that our own CIA has resorted to pushing Mr. Blue in order to gain some momentum raises some interesting questions.
Why isn't Enzyte Bob on the front lines? If doling out blueys gets the chieftans some respect, imagine the smiles on their faces when their chuol transforms them into Happy Brakat. Mission accomplished. 

How do I get on their insurance plan?

Have we thought about using the side effects to our advantage? It's well known that sudden decreases in blood pressure can occur as all the blood in your upper body rushes to inflate your johnson, so what better time to stage a raid then went the only weapon in danger of firing is busy doing other things.

Skirmishes lasting more than four hours should be reported to your doktur.
Do not take Viagra if you have trouble walking up steep mountains or firing shoulder-mounted RPGs at coalition troops. Not tested for multiple ambushes.

This makes me wonder if I would have been a better soldier if they had passed this out back when I was wearing combat boots. It certainly would have been easier to keep my pup tent raised.

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