Lego Rage

Been there. Done that.

Geekologie

Atheist Barbie

Barbie is still sexist crap, but at least this is a step in the right direction. Too bad it's not available in stores.

Via BoingBoing

"Well, That's a Pisser!" Doll

A doll that pees on you might be hysterical for kids, but speaking as a formerly urine-splattered dad who has raised multiple children, unless this robotic baby peen squirts Grey Goose vodka, I don't see the benefit.



Here's a tip - stop giving the little bastard something to drink and you'll be amazed at how quickly it stops going potty.

It's called super-parenting.

Geekologie

Awesome LEGO Spider

Awesome in a creepy, "I hope it doesn't come to life wrap me up in a silken LEGO cocoon!" sort of way.

Via Geekologie

Lego Porn

Yes, Lego porn.

I'm not kidding.

Might not be safe for work, unless your job involves adult movies or building things as part of a work-release program.

Toddlers Tweet With Twoddler

Fisher Price is trying to get out in front of social media for tots by launching the Twoddler, an activity center that allows your precious bambino to send pre-crafted Twitter updates to friends and family.

That's right - as soon as your preschooler knows 140 characters, they'll be able to renounce their right to privacy and begin contributing to the clogging of the Internet pipes.

Play with the picture of mommy and she'll get a previously-contrived message as a reminder that her special little deduction is being entertained by an electronic gadget while she focuses on her career.

Poke daddy's photo and off goes a tweet that jolts the old man awake as he sits at the corner bar, too ashamed to tell Junior that he's been jobless since the Lehman Brothers collapse and there's no freaking way he's staying at home and watching Blues Clues all day.

Via Neatorama

Confuse Rover with the Autofetch Ball

Dogs can be pretty stupid when it comes to fetching a thrown ball. We've all been there - the fake throw, followed by hilarity when the clever canine has no clue why the orb is nowhere to be found.

This would come in a close second - the Autofetch Motion Pet Ball.

Just jam some doggie treats in the little hole, turn it on, and toss it on the ground, and prepare to be amused as the internal gyroscope keeps the ball in constant motion, much to Rover's consternation.

I wonder if this would work on toddlers, too?

Via Dvice

The Vespa Rocking Horse

For my friend Darren, who probably wishes he had little ones around just so he could have a Vespa rocking horse in his family room.

Ciao, bella!

Via Neatorama

Get Your Crazy Michele Bachmann Action Figure

She doesn't have the kung-fu grip of GI Joe, or wet her pants like Hasbro's Baby Alive, but the Michele Bachmann action figure doll most certainly involves bending and twisting in order to distort common positions into unrecognizable wack-a-doodle poses.

And it's only $34.95. That's probably due to supply & demand.

The market is flooded with crazy right now.

Via Talking Points Memo

This Toy Toughens Kids Up, Dammit

None of those wussie Hannah Montana dolls or sickening My Little Pony figures for some kids. Oh, no.

It's a competitive world out there, and the sooner they learn the brutal facts of life, the better.

And wouldn't you know it, the thing isn't even American.

No wonder the far east is kicking our ass.

Via Geekologie

Corrupt Your Child with the Pole Dancing Doll

There are some special moments of bonding between parents and children that are generational.

Teaching kids how to ride a bicycle, or helping them take that first scary plunge into the deep end of the swimming pool - easing them into situations with the goal of building their confidence and preparing them for life.

So you want your kid to earn their way through college via the stripper's pole? No problem! Now you have Pole Dancer, a cute doll that can expose your precious cargo to the seedy side of using their bodies for fun and profit!

Someone should tell the manufacturer that their doll needs to be updated. It still has Mary Tyler Moore hair from 1975.

Link

Kate Spayed Dog Toy

It's funny, because it's true.

 

Linky

Barbie Makeup for Adults

When I heard that Tony Romo had broken up with Jessica Simpson on the day before her birthday, my first thought was that he was a bit of a cad. Who picks the day before a birthday to drop the hammer?

Then I heard that J-Simp was planning a Barbie-themed party, and that sealed the deal for me. No self-respecting NFL player could ever survive in the locker room once he attended such an event, regardless of whether he was asked to portray Ken.

At some point, it's time to grow up and leave the toys of youth behind. At least that's what I thought. Mattel seems to be of a different mindset, driven by profit, no doubt.

The toy congolmerate is launching a line of makeup, targeting adults aged 25-40, called "All Dolled Up," because what grown women doesn't want to come off as a plastic, superficial object enjoyed by tots and tweens, face eternally frozen into an age of indeterminate youth?

One of the first sentences my young son learned was, "Barbie is sexist crap!" Perhaps now that he's nine, we should have him give Mattel a call.

Mattel Launches Barbie Makeup Line -- For Adults, via 5 Blogs Before Lunch

Image by Gallerygal via Wikimedia Commons

Meat House Kit

Growing up in an era before video games, computers, or other electronic diversions, we spent a lot of time creating things via classic toys like Lite Brite, Legos, and Erector Sets, but what stood apart was Lincoln Logs.

With only five or six different pieces, all made from real wood, structures were built in the very same way as they had been in the generations since Lincoln Logs were invented in 1916. Interesting factoid - they were invented by architect Frank Lloyd Wright's son, John Lloyd Wright.

How could we ugly, obese Americans update a timeless freaking classic? By turning to meat.

The Hot Dog Hideaway Kit allows you to build Lincoln-esqe cabins out of tubes of meat products extruded into artificial casings. I'd like my cottage with onions and mustard, please.

Whether your kids have dreamed of constructing a redhot shanty, a hot dog hovel, or a Coney castle, this kit will allow them to realize their frankfurter fantasy.

Plus it has pate spackle - delicious and sturdy.

Via Neatorama

Cosmic Radiation Can Be Cozy

Believers of the "big bang theory", which posits that the universe went "boom" and has been expanding from its dense, molten core ever since, will be the first to tell you that the cosmological model can be a bit stiff and Poindexter-ish.

What better way to get close to the primeval atom than to make it plushy and approachable?

The Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation toy is perfect for those who wish to lay back comfortably as they stare at the heavens, wondering, as we all do, what Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson were thinking when they accidentally discovered this radiation in 1964.

Good times.

The Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation , via Neatorama

A Kid's BMW?

Growing up in northern Appalachia, we got by without much in the way of expensive, fancy things.

Patches on the knees of our jeans, canned beets and liver for dinner, and running around playing Army by carrying sticks for rifles and rocks for grenades was how we rolled. And we turned out ok, mostly.

So if I see even one kid motoring through my subdivision on this toy BMW roadster, I'll creep over to his or her house that night under cover of darkness and swap it out for a nice birch limb and two petrified dog turds.

Kids today need to know that it's ok to grow up poor. It's hard for them to see that through their Gucci sunglasses, and they don't hear me when I try to tell them because of their Bose acoustic sound-deadening headphones.

Kid's BMW roadster starts your child on the fast track , via Dvice

Tramp Stamp Barbie

In an effort to drag an iconic plastic classic into the toy version of Girls Gone Wild, Mattel has launched "Totally Stylin'" Barbie. I'm guessing that Ken will be along with that missing "g" any time now.

Complete with stickers that you can apply to the small of her back, "Totally Stylin" Barbie is the perfect role model for your young daughter...assuming you want your little girl to be objectified and branded to feed the carnal lust of men.

I'm sure you're ok with your spawn seeking male approval for things other than her mind, her personality, her compassion.......

Hey, the kit even comes with a little fake tattoo gun so your little princess can practice marking herself up now. Score!

Tattooed Barbie: You're No Daughter of Mine! via Geekologie

Rubber Duckie Suicide

Rubber duckie, you're the one! You make bath time lots of fun. Rubber duckie - what are you doing with that electrical outlet??

This one-time use suicide device mercifully turned out to be fake.

Good thing - my wife collects those cute little bath toys, so it will be better to die the all-natural way - crushed beneath an immense pile of latex.

I Want Out: Electrocuting Rubber Duckie, via Geekologie

Radio Controlled Nerf Tank

In the kingdom of Oxymoron, right up there with Military Intelligence is Nerf Tank. I mean, really.

Via Hack A Day, a giant Nerf tank, outfitted with a webcam, laser sights, and a music player.

One-two-three-four, I declare a Nerf war.

Radio Controlled Nerf Tank

Ebola and Anthrax Snuggly Toys

Neatorama has the details on a collection of microbes marketed a cute, plush toys. I'm not sure that this one meets the "good taste" threshold.

There's something about HIV and flesh-eating bacteria that no matter how colorful or fuzzy you make them, it's still not right.

Don't buy these things, whatever you do.

Giant Microbes: Cute Plush Toys of Deadly Diseases