You should follow @shitmydadsays, a collection of actual things that come out of a 73-year old dad's mouth, as compiled and Tweeted by his 28-year old son.
"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up."
"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."
If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck.
Via The Daily Dish