Wow. I've heard of targeted marketing before, but the thought of giving your mother a DC-powered sex vibe is one forward-leaning way to say, "Thanks for helping me with that math homework, mom!"
Perhaps if she had owned something to relieve the stress you caused during your teen years, she wouldn't need a Magic Hand Massager now, Skippy. Ever think of that? Where the hell was Dad?
You're always a day late and a dollar short. And eat something, for God's sake. You're practically skin and bones.