Dick Pen

My penis is very ergonomic. I should know. I've been holding it for nearly fifty years.

I wouldn't mind having a BioErgonomic pen, even though I do a lot more typing that writing these days. Anything that's better for my body gets a thumbs-up.

But does it need to look like a johnson? And will the tip dry out if I don't put the cap back on?

Can I call it the Bic Dick?

Does it come with its own rollerballs?

Does the ink turn the paper yellowish over time?

I believe I will stop now.

Geekologie

Give Mom The Gift of Masturbation for Mother's Day

Wow. I've heard of targeted marketing before, but the thought of giving your mother a DC-powered sex vibe is one forward-leaning way to say, "Thanks for helping me with that math homework, mom!"

Perhaps if she had owned something to relieve the stress you caused during your teen years, she wouldn't need a Magic Hand Massager now, Skippy. Ever think of that? Where the hell was Dad?

You're always a day late and a dollar short. And eat something, for God's sake. You're practically skin and bones.

Via Geekologie

The Fart-Catching Blanket

We have too much disposable income in this country.

Solutions to Problems That Aren't Really Problems

Via the Daily Dish:



The Greatest Generation has been replaced by the Feckless Epoch.

Old School Handset for iPad

Almost makes it worthwhile to get one.

Via BoingBoing

Toe Mouse

My wife thought this was wonderful, assuming it was developed for armless people. Isn't she sweet?

My friend Rich thought it was wonderful for those times when he needs both hands free to surf the Internet. Isn't he disgusting?

I'm certain that my daughter, who has an almost phobic dislike of all things feet, would be grossed out by the thought of people at her workplace sitting next to her with no shoes on.

I can go one step further to add to her freak - multiple people sharing the same toe mouse.

Eeeek!

Via Dvice

Popeye Squirt Gun

I yam what I yam - a nautical plunger-penis with a gaping hole in my posterior.

This is disturbing on several levels, none of which have anything to do with water or shooting.

I realize that Brutus was bigger and stronger, and heck, with a little Olive Oyl, just about anything is possible, but c'mon, man. Give a sailor a break.

These were kids cartoons, not episodes of The Wire.

Popeye Squirt Gun, via Neatorama

USB Breast Warmers

Thanks, Japan. Yet another task for which I've been replaced by a computer.

Via The Awl

Who Wants Their Penis To Look Like Dorothy The Dinosaur?

I've seen some strange condom designs in my time, but I've yet to meet a woman who believes she would squeal with delight if a dude whipped out some prehistoric prophylactic in preparation to demonstrating his skills as a formidable swordsman.

I could be completely off base here - I mean, some of the best selling sex toys for women are shaped like bunnies and dolphins, if you believe Adam & Eve. Still, you have to be pretty confident to ask your date if she wants to check out T-Rex.

I suppose the spines are textured for her pleasure, and not intended as a buzz saw to divide her clitoris into two parts.

Polly want a cracker? That's what she said.

Just Ordered Two Cases: Dinosaur Condoms, via Geekologie

Spin That Old School Vinyl With USB Style

So you have a waxy stack of Journey records, or perhaps some Bananarama. A fan of REO Speedwagon and Def Leppard, but no turntable on which to spin your old school vinyl?

Worry not, you party animal. The Linos USB record player is here.

There's no mention of the sound quality, so take this whole thing with a grain of audiophile salt. I'm not sure this device is marketed toward hardcore sound enthusiasts in the first place.

I went to high school with a guy whose senior yearbook snippet included the concept that distortion was worse than death. So there's that.

iGun for iPhone

It's real - a free version is available via the iTunes app store.