Bobblespeak Translation of Obama's Oil Speech

It's funny, because it's true:

I’ve got top people in charge of this like Admiral Thad Allen - now I know the man may be a little dim but he has great experience facing disasters - he once worked in the Bush administration!


I’ve got 20,000 National Guard ready to help people file lawsuits -- so state governors, activate them already!!


We’re working hard to assist Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Florida in this time of crisis -- with any luck they will soon enter the 20th century!!


But let’s get real people - sadly, no matter how effective our response is, we’re under siege from oil and that’s not going to change! I’ve talked to shrimpers, local residents and Alex Trebek and we are in double fucking jeopardy!

Bobblespeak Translation of This Week with Jake Tapper

The Bobblespeak Translations version of This Week with Jake Tapper, with guests Tim Kaine of the DNC and Michael Steele of the RNC:

Tapper: Mike Steele your Senate nominee Rand Paul says the Civil Rights Act was great except for the desegregation

Steele: sure that was stupid - but he’s clarified it to say he doesn’t hate black people he just doesn’t want have to be around them if doesn’t want to

Tapper: Tim how can you lose now?

Kaine: well we’re Democrats so you never know

Tapper: good point

Kaine: forget the racism - Rand Paul says going after BP is un-American

Steele: well he’s right - it’s terrible to call BP nasty names

Tapper: that’s the new GOP motto - “Accidents Happen”?

Bobblespeak Translation of Meet the Press 9/20/09

President Barack Obama was on Meet the Press with David "Fluffy" Gregory this past weekend, and The Bobblespeak Translations put together an overview.

I particularly enjoyed this "exchange" between Fluffy and Rep. Boehner, dickweed from Ohio:

Gregory: Boner - I dare you to say something non-stupid

Boehner: Big Government arble garble

Gregory: are you conservatives all racists?

Boehner: Big Govgarble babaabbaabafrmf merrrgle

Graham: Obama accused Republicans of lying so we had to call him a Nazi

Gregory: but Grassley really was a liar

Lindsay: the President is clearly an unhinged lunatic screaming all the time and being all combative by saying he wouldn’t tolerate liars - that was a slap in the face to the GOP

Gregory: no offense but you people come across as frankly crazy and we’re all worried about another Oklahoma City

Lindsay: well people carrying guns and committing bombings is quite understandable when Obama is proposing a very high budget

Gregory: that justifies calling Obama Hitler?

Bohener: cap and trade - people are scared to death!!

Gregory: to death?? over that??

Boehner: he’s a socialist and he’s going to destroy the country and people are really really really scared!!

Gregory: George Bush left this country a wreck and all you can do is scream about Marxist and compare Obama to Pol Pot

Boehner: no we have great ideas like ending malpractice lawsuits and letting people buy health insurance on the market

Gregory: that’s it?

Boehner: Obama never invites me to the White House

Bobblespeak Translation: Barack Obama on 60 Minutes

Kroft: you finally resorted to using your jedi mind powers on Congress this week

Obama: it was a last resort

Kroft: can you get GOP votes

Obama: i'm still black - so no

Kroft: you said in your campaign you could get crazy people to agree with each other

Obama: well when i was young i unified white people from Kansas and Africans but the GOP in Congress are out of their fucking minds

Bobblespeak Translation

Bobblespeak Translations: Obama's Health Care Address to Congress

This is actually more entertaining than the actual address, but just barely.

Obama: hey you rich pampered fuckers - we are the only advanced democracy that allows people to die because they are not rich to afford blue crosses motherfucking premiums!

Congress: [standing ovation]

Obama: sit the fuck down

Obama: you can die from motherfuckin’ acne!!

Congress: [standing ovation]

Obama: meanwhile employers can’t afford to buy this wonderful insurance which sucks anyway

Obama: some crazy Leftists think we should be like Canada - but we ain’t no maple syrup eating lumberjacks!

Obama: so maybe we should retain the status quo

Congress: [ standing ovation, applause ]

Obama: get your asses down

Obama: we have done a lot of work and there is that lazy ass motherfucker Max Baucus

Baucus: grrrrr

Obama: hey stupid people - I'm going to repeat this we're going end preexisting conditions, expand coverage, and quality afford colonscopies!

Insurers: up the ass again - awesome

Bobblespeak Translation of Obama Press Conference 7/22/09

AP: How do you plan to pay for this and what’s your dealbreaker?

Obama: hey dude right now we’re all paying for it - at this rate we won’t be able to afford to iPhones, cable tv, or to invade every tiny little country that pisses off

AP: oh no

Obama: yeah! so that’s 2/3 of the cost right there

AP: and the rest?

Obama: remove tax deductions but I don’t foreclose other options

AP: oh no don’t say foreclose

Obama: hey we could raise taxes on millionaires

White House Press corps: oh shit

Obama: or eliminate waste

White House Press corps: oh yeah much better

President Barack Obama Press Conference - July 22, 2009

Bobblespeak Translation: Meet the Press

If you've never experienced the sheer joy that is a Bobblespeak Translation of a current event, well, you're a remarkable underachiever for whom time is running out.

It's not too late - check out this translation of John McCain on Meet the Press.

Gregory: were you surprised that Sarah Palin announced she’s resigning?

McCain: no she was always a major flake

Gregory: why did she quit

McCain: she didn’t quit

Gregory: yes she did

McCain: maybe but only because she was attacked when people pointed out her lack of ethics

Gregory: it seems kind of loopy

McCain: look I respected her realizing she can
best serve people by staying out of government

Gregory: will you endorse her in 2012

McCain: well you know we have many strong
young firm attractive candidates

Gregory: so you won’t

McCain: hey give me a break - when I chose her
I didn’t know she was out of her mind

Gregory: everyone knows her brief VP campaign was a total train wreck

McCain: not true she gave great eye-twinkle

image via kristykay22 at flickr