Republicans and Leukemia Team Up to Repeal HCR

The Onion:

Citing a mutually shared vision of health care in America, congressional Republicans and the deadly bone-marrow cancer leukemia announced a joint effort Wednesday to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the historic new bill that extends health benefits to 32 million Americans nationwide.

"Republicans have no greater ally in this fight than leukemia," said Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), who was flanked by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), and the abnormal increase in white blood cells. "Denying insurance to Americans with preexisting conditions and ensuring that low-income Americans stand no chance of receiving quality health care are just a few of the core beliefs that the GOP and leukemia share." ...

If I hadn't mentioned up front that it was from The Onion, you might have thought, "Hey, that sounds about right."

Don't Masturbate on 9/11

The Onion goes there. Is it too soon?


Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

Onion News: Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves to Fox Sports

As usual, The Onion nails it:

"Though we did our best to hide it, usually by using thicker than normal glasses, I think people could easily tell that my left eye and I had been going in different personal and professional directions for some time," Scott said during a press conference at which the eye was present, but elected to remain silent throughout, staring off to one side as Scott spoke."

Obama Reduces Goals After Denny's Visit

From the Onion News Network


Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

American Airlines Now Charging Fees To Non-Passengers

From The Onion:

Cash-strapped American Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking about flying aboard the commercial carrier.