And I thought the Alabama Hot Pocket was bad

This looks like something one would need twilight anaesthesia to have removed from their colon.

In reality, it's a Taco Bell Cheesy Double Beef Burrito stuffed sausage roll, wrapped in bacon.

Ick.

Via Neatorama

Poo Trap: I'm Intrigued - My Dog, Not So Much

Normally a contraption like this wouldn't even warrant consideration by a dog lover. The other pups would ridicule Rover and forever damage his self-esteem.

Bringing home a rescue dog that continues to squeeze out biscuits on the dining room floor months later has led me to look for alternate solutions.

Like the Poo Trap.

Now if someone will just tell me how to make this work with Doggie Depends.

Via Neatorama

Shark Chair: Sit On My Face, Please

Ding-dong.

Who's there?

Candygram.

Who is it?


Ummm...sit on my face.

via Neatorama

Handerpants

I'm a bit surprised that Michael Jackson didn't move to these when he finished with his white glove phase. There were rumors that he occasionally had his hands in someone's underpants.

This would have helped cut out the middle-man, if you know what I mean.

Handerpants - The Underwear for your Hands, via Neatorama

Not Fooling Anybody - New Uses for Old Buildings

Neatorama has the skinny on an interesting website named Not Fooling Anybody that's chock-full on new businesses that have taken up residence in buildings formerly used for other purposes. Various levels of hilarity ensue.

Like this example - a former Planet Hollywood that found new life as a Gino's East pizza parlor.

They should have kept the tyrannosaurus. Who doesn't like deep dish dino?

More Manhole Danger

Coming on the heels of a Long Island teen falling into a manhole while texting comes this story of a German man who managed to wedge himself into an open hole after a night of alleged brew-ha-ha-ing.

No one knows how the cover came to be removed, and Gerhard Wilder claims that he didn't do it, but really, can you rely on the testimony of a man found stuck in a grate?

Wilder needed the assistance of firefighters to extricate himself from his tight situation. If only they could use their jaws-of-life to pry away the cape of shame Wilder will now wear in public for the rest of his natural life.

And yes - I realize that a manhole and a grate are two different things. Poetic license, okay?

Take a Dip in the Zipper Pond

Just hope that nothing gets stuck in the zipper.

Via Neatorama

Meat House Kit

Growing up in an era before video games, computers, or other electronic diversions, we spent a lot of time creating things via classic toys like Lite Brite, Legos, and Erector Sets, but what stood apart was Lincoln Logs.

With only five or six different pieces, all made from real wood, structures were built in the very same way as they had been in the generations since Lincoln Logs were invented in 1916. Interesting factoid - they were invented by architect Frank Lloyd Wright's son, John Lloyd Wright.

How could we ugly, obese Americans update a timeless freaking classic? By turning to meat.

The Hot Dog Hideaway Kit allows you to build Lincoln-esqe cabins out of tubes of meat products extruded into artificial casings. I'd like my cottage with onions and mustard, please.

Whether your kids have dreamed of constructing a redhot shanty, a hot dog hovel, or a Coney castle, this kit will allow them to realize their frankfurter fantasy.

Plus it has pate spackle - delicious and sturdy.

Via Neatorama

Mmmmm, Spaghetti Cake

Cake is wonderful, but let's admit it. Aside from those Ace of Cakes dudes (and dudettes), cake has become pretty boring, especially those supermarket bakery confections that they decorate right there in plain view, the yeasty deliciousness of sundry baked goods wafting out from behind the counter....

Sorry, where was I?

Oh, yes. Cakes have become boring. So this is a great way to have your cake and admire it, too.

A banana cake covered with frosting shaped like spaghetti noodles and topped with chocolate truffle “meatballs” in a strawberry sauce.

Mmmmm, frosting spaghetti noodles topped with chocolate truffle "meatballs" in a strawberry sauce. Yum.

Spaghetti Cake , via Neatorama

Cosmic Radiation Can Be Cozy

Believers of the "big bang theory", which posits that the universe went "boom" and has been expanding from its dense, molten core ever since, will be the first to tell you that the cosmological model can be a bit stiff and Poindexter-ish.

What better way to get close to the primeval atom than to make it plushy and approachable?

The Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation toy is perfect for those who wish to lay back comfortably as they stare at the heavens, wondering, as we all do, what Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson were thinking when they accidentally discovered this radiation in 1964.

Good times.

The Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation , via Neatorama

You Should Have Seen The One That Got Away

When I was about 12 years old, I caught my first fish by snagging it through the tail with a bare hook after I had exhausted by bait supply. It was a 7-inch rainbow trout.

I was so proud.

When a commercial fisherman in the Gulf of Mexico reeled in an 8-foot missile, he was proud, too. So proud, in fact, that he hoisted it aboard and cruised around with it for 14 days as he finished his voyage.

When he brought the rocket ashore, it caused a bit of ruckus. Turns out the device was a live air-to-air missile.

EOD was called in from nearby MacDill AFB to dismantle the device.

Sorry, Charley.

Fisherman Hooks 8-Foot Missile , via Neatorama

Better than a goose that poops gold eggs

Here's my theory - there are a lot more fish in the sea than there are geese in the air. Ergo, a fish that coughs up gold jewelry is much better news than fables recounting a single goose who squeezes out 24k ovum.

Just from the sheer volume of wise-guys wrapped in chains and dumped off of watercraft into the murky deep should lend credence to the enormous wealth potential of our swimming oceanic friends.

"Sleeping with the fishes" could also mean "shopping with the fishes", if you catch the way I've drifted.

This could take the place of those shady "sell us your gold by mailing it to us" commercials. Instead, by some carp and tuna and teach them how to scavenge for bling.

Fish Coughs Up Gold Watch , via Neatorama

Feltidermy - PETA Speechless

Once again, Etsy saves the day.

If you were thinking of popping a cap in Rover's general direction, or knocking off Fluffy, just so you could stuff them and use their carcasses as decorations, rejoice! There's no need, with Feltidermy!

But seriously, if you were really thinking that, get help. Immediately.

Feltidermy by Girlsavage, via Neatorama

Jazz Hands

I told my wife something would happen if she allowed our son to participate in dance club at school. Now look.

Admit it, sweetie. I was right.

Via Neatorama

Study Ball

When my two older kids were in middle and high school, one of their pet peeves (and certainly a crime against humanity in their eyes) was the family rule that they needed to spend one hour each weeknight at the dining room table, doing their homework. If there was no homework, the time was to be used studying for upcoming exams or reading something of their choosing.

If we could have had access to the study ball, I'm certain they would have used it to justify their belief that the hour rule qualified as cruel and unusual punishment.

The study ball is programmable, allowing up to 4 hours to be input. Once a time is set, the manacle will not open to allow removal from your ankle area until the time expires. Brilliant.

The inventors should look to improve this product by making it applicable to a wider range of timekeeping events, like video games, using the phone, and sullen teen behavior. When the time expires, how about a Jackass - The Movie style electronic stimulator shock that kicks in?

What? Too cruel? C'mon, I know some of you parents out there are with me on this.

Study Ball Makes Sure You Study , via Neatorama

Shark Attack Hat

Ding-dong!

"Who is it?"

"Candy-gram!"

Nooooooooo!

Don't fall for it, or you'll end up looking like this.

Shark Attack Hat - via Neatorama

Eyeglass Piercing - Ouch

Via Neatorama, this is one freaky way to incorporate body modification with myopia.

That's all I have to say about that.

Eyeglass Piercing

Swine Flu: Bacon's Revenge

Neatorama has a clever shirt that will remain clever until a couple of people die from H1N1.

Felony Franks

Via Neatorama, Felony Franks - home of the misdemeanor wiener!

Hah!

Chicagoland businessman Jim Andrews is attempting to do a great thing here - starting a chain of hot dog shops staffed by ex-convicts as a way to help them restart their lives.

Of course, this means that neighborhood folks object, because while everyone deserves a second chance, can't that opportunity take place somewhere else?

Wieners, wieners, everywhere.

Felony Franks

Blood Never Tasted So Good

Via Neatorama, a unique approach to getting your sweet on - sour candy liquids in specimen bottles.

Frankly, funny or not, I don't need the aggravation of needing to explain to someone why I'm not actually drinking pee out of a plastic screw-top container, no matter what it looks like.

All it takes is one non-believer and you're marked for life.

Sour Candy Body Fluids