Creationary

I'm gonna put two hotels on that dinosaur, then sit back and watch the loaves and fishes roll in.

Condom Bagpipe

Is this necessary?

On a side note, I practiced safe sax in high school. Alto.

Ground Zero - Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

Let me see if I understand this correctly. It's ok to have strip clubs within a couple of blocks of NYC's "Ground Zero" as this does not taint the sanctity of hallowed territory, but having a Muslim mosque in the vicinity tarnishes all that we hold sacred and dishonors the souls of the loved and the lost?

What a complicated time in which to live.

Nude Woman Steals Cars, Probably Not Mormon

It seems odd that Utah keeps popping up on the weirdo radar when citizens are severely under-caffeinated and should be completely exhausted, especially with the multiple-wife deal.

This will eventually be a Lifetime movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.

The plot: A naked woman jumps into the front seat of a guy's car as he was putting up signs on the side of the road and proceeds to motor off. Righteously indignant, sign man springs into naked woman's abandoned wheels and gives chase, calling the po-lice as he goes into full Dukes of Hazzard mode.

Naked woman crashes and escapes on foot, soon to be surrounded by panting, Taser-happy cops, so she makes the right military decision. Attack!

She charges at the cops, who can't corral her because she's bloody and slippery from her aforementioned wipeout. Naked woman slithers past the fuzz and drops into a patrol car, speeding off with the Keystone Kops in full pursuit. Then Dukes, them Dukes!

Being a naked woman with no formal police training, she eventually crashes the cruiser, runs off, scales a barbed-wire fence, and scurries around before being encircled by cops and lit-up like fireworks by Tasers.

Authorities said there were no indications of drugs or alcohol. Maybe the clothing burned her flesh.

I can see Love Hewitt's saucy breasts bouncing as she hurtles down the road, demurely biting her lower lip as she powerslides around corners before running in slo-mo while the fuzz try to zap her bejeweled bajingo like she's a duck plinker game at the state fair. Win me a stuffed giraffe, Daddy!

I'm rooting for you, Jennifer, in your quest to pull off a bra-free Cannonball Run. You certainly have the ammunition.

Salt Lake Tribune

Will Brazilian Butt Dance Give Me A Broken Beak?

Will the Surra de Bunda, or "ass-licking kicking" dance as it's quaintly labeled, cause me a traumatic brain injury? Or will that honor fall to my wife, who would most certainly knock me senseless if a wiggly-assed hottie hooked her feet on my shoulders and bounced her bondonkadonk off my beak?

Drunk Driving in Dallas

There's more than one way to leave the Dallas airport.

More Fantastic Journalism

From our friends in Brevard County:


The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.

Will empanada-stuffed super-heroes be the next Internet meme? I can see the Tumblr now.

Geekologie

Worst. Motivational. Speaker. Ever.

It's all mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.



"The point is that I did it."

No, the point is that you looked ridiculous repeatedly slamming a sheet of wood laminate onto your head in a vain attempt to motivate others. To your credit - I'll bet reported incidents of plywood head slamming drop precipitously.

Pilot Flies for 13 Years With Fake License

From the "this doesn't make me feel any more comfortable about flying" department comes word of a maintenance engineer who printed a fake pilot license on his home printer and used it to drive around 737s for thirteen years.

Thomas Salme flew back and forth between Sweden and the rest of Europe, and no one was any the wiser. It's rumored that he liked gladiator movies.

Fake license. Home printer. 737s.

Maybe things are a lot more loose in Europe than they are in the US. Heck, I need to take off my shoes and endure endless searches just to ride in the back of the plane here. This dude gets to fly it with no more than a homemade certificate and an official-looking hat.

There are certain positions that benefit from actual training in order to be considered qualified. Heart surgeon, dentist, nuclear power plant operator - all require a modicum of formal schooling. Apparently tooling around the friendly skies does not.

All you need is a couple of hours in a flight simulator and balls of steel.

Via Gizmodo

Paul Rudd's Computer

What the hell is going on here?

Ancient Titty Secret, Hmmm?

Couldn't you accomplish the same thing using a Swiffer sheet?

Smell Like a Slider

I can't imagine why anyone would want their abode stinking of Sliders and Fish Nibblers, but then again, I'm nearly asphyxiated every time I stroll past a White Barn Candle Company location, so what do I know?

Via BoingBoing

1960s Batman XXX Porn Parody

I'm not sure how the movie turns out, but they sure nailed the 60s look.



BoingBoing

Chinchillas Eating Raisins

Has the Internet become specific enough yet?

Serious Eats

The Fart-Catching Blanket

We have too much disposable income in this country.

Creepy Robot Mouth Goes Nom Nom Nom

If you can watch this without getting the willies, then you're a better man than I. Unless you're a woman. Then you're twice the man.



Helping the hearing impaired learn to better articulate their speech is a noble cause. I just don't want to wake up in the middle of the night to find this thing going nom nom nom on my jugular.

Geekologie

Password Story Confusion

Sometimes the snippet that Google News puts on the page ends up being highly confusing.

Case in point. Click the image for a larger view.

SlickDeals Tweezer Fail

Is it worth paying 39 cents with free shipping for tweezers?

How about entering a 19-digit code at checkout to get the deal? That's a little over 2 cents per digit, for crying out loud.

And what's the carbon footprint on shipping my cheapo tweezers, anyway?

Sweaters for Bald Chickens

There seem to be a lot of bald chickens in the UK. Battery hens, specifically.

When the hens begin to tail off in egg production, usually at the tender age of one, they are typically turned into nuggets.

A Somerset craft club is instead putting some of the hens who have gone hairless into sweaters, hoping to give them to children as pets.

Because what British child wouldn't want to cuddle up with glabrous poultry in a pinafore?

Image via Chickenofeather's photostream on flickr

New York State of (Crazy) Mind

I've spent some time on the train in NYC, so I've come to expect the unexpected. That doesn't mean I like it.

Via Oddly Specific